Drink YOUR Cup. Idiot.

Yesterday was another hard day. In the best way possible.

We'll start at The Alley. This week's sermon was all about how God is our refuge. Another word for refuge, he said, was safe place. SAFE PLACE. That's what I need my refuge to be. A safe place for those girls to go to. So that when they are in that physically safe place, their hearts might be softened enough that their souls might be willing to find the ultimate Safe Place.

Then he talked about a relationship he's had that's been so broken because of the other side's actions. And he discussed how God wants him to reach out to this man. The poor pastor was heart broken as he told us about the man's actions. Jail time is involved and yet, God wants him to reach out. TO DRINK THIS MAN'S CUP. Sorry for the all caps, but I just realized how this connects with last week's post. But for real, Pastor Ben is going to drink another man's cup because God is calling him to. Anyway, after the sermon I felt the push to go pray for him. So, despite the nerves and how much I hate to cry in front of strangers (or at all), I asked if I could pray for him. With tears streaming down my face I knew it's what God wanted me to do in that moment.  So I did it. I drank that cup right up, chock full of awkward, uncomfortable, and nervous. (MORE ON THIS LATER)

He also talked about how some churches live by the motto "if you build it they will come." And focus on building churches in wealthier areas and hope for people to attend because of the nice worship center, or the cool gym, or the AWESOME WORSHIP BAND. Instead we need to all live by the motto, "If you live it they will see it." Which is an awesome, convicting perspective.

One line he said that stuck out to me: "Times of prosperity present safe places of our own making."

One of the verses he used was Hebrew 13:5-6, "'the Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?'"

Personally, I was looking at this through the filter of the calling God has placed on me. He wants me to work with victims of sex trafficking. And I might have an opportunity to do that on a part time basis. I've done the interviews, and I'm waiting for a call. But I don't know what I really want to hear. "We'd like to offer you this position." Or "Thanks for everything, but we're going a different direction."

If they decide to go another direction I think I know what that means. It means that God needs more time to mold me. That I'm not ready yet, to be LIVING alongside these girls. I still have time to breathe. I can stay in my comfortable job that gives me the days off I request and has health benefits and doesn't challenge me. It means that God has something better for me and until then I can stay in this season of my life.

If they offer it to me, I think I know what that means. It means God is telling me now. It's happening now. I will be drinking the cup of others' suffering NOW. That I won't have time to breathe, but I'll have time to send up a quick prayer while these girls are telling me their stories and I am trying to be like Jesus for them. It means that I will need to discover how to relate to them and find something to build relationships. And I'm scared.

Last night at Upper Room it finally clicked. Last week I talked to someone about the pastor's sermon because the end message was actually about how the cup Jesus is referring to is our life. And we need to learn how to drink our cup (which, I was kind of frustrated and disappointed with because it felt like a pretty superficial sermon series to talk about. We need to learn how to live our lives to the fullest. Ummm, okay I can do that by LIVING MY LIFE. Can you tell me more about Jesus now?). But anyway, I was talking with a staff member of the church about what God is calling me to do and she was like, "Well, it's kind of cool because this work God wants you to do is your cup." To which, I internally was like, "Cool. Thanks. Yeah, I get it."

BUT I DIDN'T GET IT. So typical. Last night I got it. Working with these girls and taking on their sorrows is my cup. I kept thinking that Jesus wants us to all drink the cup of others' suffering. And see how I'm going to work with these girls directly and hear their stories and carry their burdens? Do you see that? Well that's how I'm drinking their cup of suffering! What are you doing?? But what I needed to realize is that is MY cup to drink. And it's not everyone's. Someone's cup might be to deal with their crushing depression. Someone's cup might be to end an abusive relationship. Someone's cup might be to learn how to live with their prosperity and wealth without making it an idol. I don't know what people's cups are, and like the pastor at Upper Room advised, I can't compare people's cups to my own. That's stupid. But instead, I can freaking hold my cup and stare into it and ask myself if I'm ready to drink it.

SO I'm realizing that I have this cup to drink and it might be happening NOW. I might get a phone call tomorrow saying, "We'd like to offer you this position" and I'll need to accept that God thinks I'm ready. And then I'll have to start figuring out how to drink their cups. Which is my own cup. AND I'M SCARED AS EVER. I didn't grow up in a broken home. I didn't grow up homeless and in poverty. 69% of the girls that come into that organization were living at or BELOW the poverty level. I can't even comprehend what's below poverty. And these girls have been living it. They are hardened, they have grown up in this and they might not even know what true love is. What a pure and honest love can do to someone. They don't know. And I so deeply want to be someone to show them that. But I'm so scared I won't be able to connect with them at all. That there won't even be opportunities to show them I love them because they won't even respect me. Welcome to my brain, please forgive the deep insecurities.

That's where I'm at. Feel free to pray for me.